Wow, dieting is intense. I can already feel my body metamorphosing into a whole new me. Rolls of fat are sloughing off, revealing a svelte frame I haven't seen in ten years. Thunder rumbles without warning from my billions of newly developed intestinal flora, which are now the ones you see in yoghurt commercials. My inflammation levels have presumably dropped to record lows, not that there was any evidence of them to begin with.
I am proud to report than in less than one day I have managed to eat every single recommended food group, and to avoid every Don't Eat. Here is a brief summary of what I've consumed:
+ One avocado, including most of the peel
+ Several tbsp extra-virgin olive oil, orally drizzled from the bottle at a height of two feet above my mouth
+ Fourteen frozen blueberries
+ Six asparagus spears, oven-roasted with garlic and more EVOO
+ Half a punnet of tarragon
+ One handful of walnuts
+ A glass of Shiraz
+ Half a mango
+ Two oranges, cut into sevenths (not easy!)
+ Three-quarters of a banana
+ One pot of green tea
+ Three eggs, perfectly scrambled
+ Nine locally-grown olives
+ Two mouthfuls of Shiraz
+ Five cherry tomatoes
+ A glass of Shiraz
+ Three homemade spelt cookies (thanks Tamar!)
+ Half a cucumber (Zadie was tasing me with it [not a typo] so I had to eat it)
+ Half a carrot (ditto)
+ One pound of salmon, oven-roasted with EVOO, Himalayan salt, coarsely pestled peppercorns and lemon
+ One tablespoon of EVOO, rubbed into the face to appall the children
+ Approx. three hundred grains of quinoa
+ One tablespoon of hummus
+ One gowpen of kidney beans (I just learned this word yesterday. it means the volume contained in the hollow between your palms. It's the ~17500th seven letter word by probability)
I know you're worried it will be hard to sustain my statuesque physique on such spartan fare, but I will hold out as long as I can. Sophia, who is lying right beside me, is fervently wishing it was next Saturday, "because then you'd stop having a diet!" Tamar says, "you're like the caterpillar!"
I am proud to report than in less than one day I have managed to eat every single recommended food group, and to avoid every Don't Eat. Here is a brief summary of what I've consumed:
+ One avocado, including most of the peel
+ Several tbsp extra-virgin olive oil, orally drizzled from the bottle at a height of two feet above my mouth
+ Fourteen frozen blueberries
+ Six asparagus spears, oven-roasted with garlic and more EVOO
+ Half a punnet of tarragon
+ One handful of walnuts
+ A glass of Shiraz
+ Half a mango
+ Two oranges, cut into sevenths (not easy!)
+ Three-quarters of a banana
+ One pot of green tea
+ Three eggs, perfectly scrambled
+ Nine locally-grown olives
+ Two mouthfuls of Shiraz
+ Five cherry tomatoes
+ A glass of Shiraz
+ Three homemade spelt cookies (thanks Tamar!)
+ Half a cucumber (Zadie was tasing me with it [not a typo] so I had to eat it)
+ Half a carrot (ditto)
+ One pound of salmon, oven-roasted with EVOO, Himalayan salt, coarsely pestled peppercorns and lemon
+ One tablespoon of EVOO, rubbed into the face to appall the children
+ Approx. three hundred grains of quinoa
+ One tablespoon of hummus
+ One gowpen of kidney beans (I just learned this word yesterday. it means the volume contained in the hollow between your palms. It's the ~17500th seven letter word by probability)
I know you're worried it will be hard to sustain my statuesque physique on such spartan fare, but I will hold out as long as I can. Sophia, who is lying right beside me, is fervently wishing it was next Saturday, "because then you'd stop having a diet!" Tamar says, "you're like the caterpillar!"
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| The standard of photos on this blog is really declining ... but Zadie's eye is pretty cool! Where is her eyebrow? |
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