Being a Dad

I'm thirty-five today, which is only a big deal because we happen to have five fingers on each hand. If we had six, then next year would seem like a HUGE deal. But since I am officially Out Of My Twenties by anyone's definition, it's probably time to start shifting from Roguish Dreamboat to Wizened Sage. Since I've yet to accumulate any general wisdom, I'll have to start with parenting. Here are some reflections after nine years of raising girls. Sorry they're preachy, but I get to 'cause it's my birthday. 

Take responsibility for your child's education. Your personal energy and presence can build a foundation that can never be replaced by school, learning apps and TV. 

Do it your own way. Whatever approach you took to university or your biggest hobby might be a good proxy. Some people are spontaneous and off-the-cuff, others have curriculums and methods. Anything works if you really do it. But each kid should get at least half an hour per day of focused learning. 

Aim to make your kid love things, not master them. Science is a fantastic breeding ground for curiosity, and the Net is full of easy experiments. Climbing gyms are full of parents yelling at their kids to climb higher, when they'd be happier (and ultimately better) to climb sideways at ground level until they're comfortable going up. Cutting short books at cliffhangers makes kids yearn to know what happens next, but reading too long makes them restless and bored. In the long run, enthusiasm matters most. 

Reward like mad. Kind words and appreciation are treasure to your kids, especially

when they're genuine and well-deserved. Arbitrary points seem to work miracles, as do Prizes of any sort. Like, all kids seem ready to do math or word problems, worth One Mystery Point, if ten Mystery Points leads to some random prize like getting to throw some beans in a pot, or shaking a bottle of water with detergent in it. If these prizes would make your kid revolt and demand Xbox, then it's unfortunately too late and you should start all over. Also, candy's effect scales with frequency, we found one every five km of walking, or a corresponding level of effort, to be about right. 

Read, read, read. Research suggests that childhood reading is one of the single biggest predictors of academic achievement. Read to your kids at night, take them to the library, bring Scrabble tiles to the cafe, make a faux pearl necklace where they get a new pearl for finishing a book. Whatever you want, but do so much that ink soaks into the fabric of your kid's life forever. 

Encourage the oldest to be the leader. Give them a sense of purpose in molding the younger ones. It helps them rise above teasing, and gives you another partner in parenting. 

Put the goddamn phone away and be present. Kids have RADAR for when you're distracted and they often demand more of your attention than you can really manage.  Their self-esteem is absolutely affected by how important to you they feel, and I suspect they overweight negative cues. 

Have silly rambunctious ridiculous spontaneous playtime every now and then. We don't get to do it as adults, unless you either have just the right sexual partner or else play on a footy team, and also it's proven than kids can't become estranged from their parents during a pillow fight. 

Consider your single worst personality trait or habit, and ask whether your kids are developing it. I can think of several friends whose tense parental relationships hinge on a main issue that they "got" from their parents; seems to me that one good way to foresee this is to ask "what is my biggest flaw and am I passing it on?" 

The other good question is, "am I way at the end of any parenting spectrum?" Super-strict vs. super-indulgent, super-achievements vs. super-no-pressure, any extreme is a risky place to be. 

As a last thought, rambling conversations 1-on-1 seem increasingly important as kids get older. They help keep lines of communication open, and help evolve your relationship. Hikes and walks seem like the best way to go if your kid is into that. Aurora and I talk about very different things than we did a year ago, and I suspect that this will matter heaps as she enters the shoals of adolescence in a couple of years. 

Speaking of rambling, time to stop... it was surprisingly helpful to actually write down some of my thoughts about parenting, maybe now I can actually do all these things properly. I'd love to know what others have found to be the most important lessons they've learned as parents...?

Zadie looks a bit like Jean Beliveau did on a hockey sticker I had as a boy